Los Angeles has its own speed.
At times it feels breakneck. Wake up, work out, try to land a shoot, make connections, get lunches, network, slide into DMs so many times i'd lose track of time. So many chances happen all at once, I can barely keep up. New friends, rooftop parties, clients in gated communities where I'd wait outside to be rung in. Their houses were always immaculate when I finally stepped through the front door. The money could be right at times, so damn right. House wives seeking companionship and other workers needing a kind touch, producers who wanted me to take control and models who were so beautiful to look at, i'd double take when they let me into their apartments.
Of course, this was the best scenario. Sometimes my line was dry for days. No calls. No emails.
Other times its slow. Spending the morning getting up, drinking coffee in the sunlight off a third story balcony before it gets too hot. By 10 am my skin would be warm to the touch. I wore loose great sweats and could feel them cling to my body in the heat.
Los Angeles has its pull.
I could see myself here. My country boy sensibilities want to run back to the siskiyous and spend the rest of my days in a trailer with nothing but ponderosa pines as my friends.
But now isn't the time.
I've lost a lot recently. But I see it as growth. I see it as a gift. I've been out of options many times before, but i've cut my teeth and i'm weathered. I know I can handle this.
Now is time, more than ever, for me to create. To write it down. To show all sides. Right now its still radical for someone like me to be out and exist. So i'll do what I know and move forward.
By traveling I make my family bigger. By trying to travel by the skin of my teeth, i've got nothing left to lose and everything to gain. I want to help my community. I want folks to understand what its like being trans in america. Being gay and trans in america. Being a sex worker, and to be respected as one, in america.
Los Angeles has the budget and the hunger to back such a lofty dream.
I'm going to keep trying to make my family bigger. Take moments. Give hugs. Show kindness. I'm going to try and land johns left and right so I can continue to travel and help show the world that we out here, we've been out here, and my community is so strong, supportive, and beautiful, that we can start to heal each other.
And in Los Angeles, I think there are some people who want to help heal and make change, too.